There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of
traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her
nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped
relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull
out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do - it is the
Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that
whale?" She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to
heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked
sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." Replied the lady.
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over
for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said
to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop
handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no
Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a
Moses, Jesus, and an old guy went golfing. Moses hit the
ball and it went in the water. He parted the water and hit the ball into
the hole. Jesus hit the ball into the water, too. He walked across the
water and hit the ball into the hole. Now it's the old guy's turn. He hits
the ball, and just before it goes into the water, a fish jumps up and
catches the ball. Before the fish goes back into the water, an eagle
catches the fish. Just as the eagle begins to fly away, lightning strikes.
It scares the eagle, he drops the fish. The fish coughs up the ball and it
goes into the hole. Jesus looks at the old guy and says, "Dad, that's the
last time we're bringing you golfing."
Jesus and Allah were having a contest to see who was the
greatest. It was an even draw at the end, so they had a tie breaker: who
could write the best program. They were both typing furiously, devising
algorithms and methods that blew everyone away. Then the power went out
and the computers shut off. With a minute left, the power came back on,
and Allah and Jesus went back to typing. However, when the time ran out,
Jesus was declared the winner because Jesus saves!
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Jewish:
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one
simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The
blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!,"
replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same
question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the
holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and
celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde,
shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his
glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde
smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter
is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday
that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and
turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to
be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of
thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was
buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St.
Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year
the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees
his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
One day Jesus' secretary came into his office and said,
"Sir, you should take some time off from all of your work. Get out and
meet your people here. Have a good time." Jesus thought a moment and
decided to do just that. So he saved all his work on his Super Computer,
shut it down, and went outside. He had a great time as he walked down the
golden streets, shaking hands and signing autographs, but along the way He
heard the sound of rip, saw, rip, saw, and noticed sawdust coming from a
window of a little shop on a side street. He walked down to the shop and
went inside. There He found a bearded carpenter working so hard he was
sweating, and the drops of perspiration were running down his face, and
mixing with the sawdust. In his rich melodious voice, Jesus said, "Sir,
why are you laboring so hard? You should rest and enjoy yourself." The old
man said to Jesus, "Oh, no, please let me continue. You see, I had a son
on Earth whose birth was a miracle. My son knew I was a carpenter, and my
eyesight being what it is, I thought if he heard me working he would
'find' me." Jesus stared at the man, and his eyes started to mist. The man
stared at Jesus, quizzically. Jesus said, "Father........?" The old man
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."